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The Not-so-Great Games

Posted by AlienCG on November 9, 2008

This week’s Planet Flashback goes back about 4 years.  It was a funny little post I did about some fictional games that I made up for the post (except for the last one, I had made that one up about a year earlier).

Games That Won’t Make It
by: AlienCG
November 12, 2004

This is my first Christmas buying (or don’t buy) guide for the holidays season. Today’s theme is video games and the titles that probably won’t make it in the market. Parents, don’t buy these games for your kids, they will surely seek emancipation if you do. These titles are currently in conception, but the various studios will probably try to force them on the market. The following are the programmer’s descriptions of these games.

Phil E. Buster
1-player Real Slow Strategy
You play as the title character, a congressional lobbyist who, depending on the game’s settings, must push through or stop the confirmation of the president’s cabinet and judicial appointees. Choose from a combination of Democratic and Republican president, congress and lobbyist and even throw in some Independents for more of a challenge. Other challenges include keeping your name out of the negative press, using feedback to affect the president’s rating, avoiding scandal and spending as little money as possible. Sure to be fun for all ages and political affiliations.

Surreal Fantasy
Multiplayer Online Turn-based FPS

This action title combines the fast-paced insanity of the first-person shooter with the time consuming, repetitive combat model of the RPG. Run around the detailed maps and try to get close enough to your opponent to cause a battle to ensue. Here’s where the real action begins!!! Decide on your weapon and the form of attack you would like to use against your opponent and your opponent will randomly get hit, avoid the attack or they could choose to run away. The first one to to be defeated, loses the match and respawns until somebody gets 25 kills. Try the online mode with up to 24 friends for 19 hours of stagnant enjoyment.

Grand Text Auto
Free Roaming Text Adventure

Don’t have a good graphics card in your PC? Mom won’t buy you a console? You needn’t worry anymore, Grand Text Auto will give you all the excitement and description of carnage of the real game, but in brilliant, monochrome text. No graphics to burden the fast action and still the same free-roaming mayhem that all your friends are talking about. Here is just a small example of the code:

>>and comes out like a geyser
>>What do want to do now?
>>Walk South
>>You walk down the street as the sun begins to set, you come to a street corner,
>>a car pulls up next to you.
>>What do you want to do?
>>Steal Car
>>You run over to the driver’s side of the car and open the door. You pull the 
>>passenger from the vehicle while yelling something about their upbringing.
>>A cop runs toward the car and, before you could drive away are yanked 
>>from the car and thrown to the ground. The cop starts regailing you with tales
>>of a guy named Bubba in Cell Block C.
>>YOU’RE BUSTED
>>
>>You are in front of the police station facing east, you have $37,987 dollars 
>>in your pocket and all of your weapons have been seized.
>>What do you want to do?
>>Walk North
>>You walk down the sidewalk, there are people walking past you and cars
>>parked on the street.
>>What do you want to do?
>>Steal Fast Car
>>–Do not understand term “fast”–
>>What do you want to do?
>>Steal Car
>>You walk over to the car closest to you and as you drive away like a maniac
>>you hit a TAXI CAB. You cannot go forward.
>>What do you want to do?
>>Reverse
>>–What do you want to do with “Reverse”?
>>Drive Reverse
>>You can’t do that with “Reverse”.
>>What do you want to do?
>>Get a Playstation 2 so I could play the real game
>>Do not understand why you would do that
>>Quit Game
>>Do I not bring you pleasure?
>>Shut Up
>>******Virus Released in System******
       

>>Computer disabled

You too could be having this much fun with your own copy of Grand Text Auto.

This one ranks up there as one of my more favorite achievements.  I hope you enjoyed it and I am thinking up another one of these fictional posts.

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3 Responses to “The Not-so-Great Games”

  1. churlita said

    Very funny. I love it. I’m glad you reshared it.

  2. babybull40 said

    Those are funny. can’t wait till you do more of these fictional games..

  3. laura b. said

    Those are hilarious 🙂 Clever guy.

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